Without You, My Love, My Bella
by come-gentle-night
Summary: A quick oneshot about Edward before and during his visit at the Volturi. New Moon spoilers! First fanfic, please read and review!


**A/N: This is just a short, random piece of work I did before I could load my story. Plus, I was bored. It's okay if you hate it. It's GREAT if you love it. Whatever it is, please review! Constructive criticism is always appreciated!**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T own Twilight, New Moon, or anything like that. Stephenie Meyer does. All I own is my computer, my notebook, my pencil, and my brain. I am not sure if I even own that…**

**Right now would be a good time to listen to Sing For Absolution by Muse.**

Life. What is the definition of life? What did _my_ life mean? To me it held no meaning anymore. Without Bella, my Bella, what good was life?

I spied the happy people moving outside of the alley in the sunlight. They were all happy, laughing and smiling. Each one of them, even down to the kid who was whining for candy, looked happy and carefree. It was hard to think of anything but the misery. I was engulfed in it, the waves pulling me under and holding me there. At least, that's how it used to be. When I first left my love I had felt the waves pull me down the moment I had spoken those horrid words, the words is never wish to repeat again, the words that made Bella believe that I didn't love her. When I had said those to her, I had watched her heart through her eyes break into thousands of pieces. It wasn't bad enough that she had loved a horrible, wretched monster as myself, but for her to have to feel that pain because of me was hard to fathom.

As the waves first lapsed over my head, drowning me in misery, I had tried to fight back. I had tried to reach the surface, to just tip my head back so my face broke the water, but no matter what I did I could not move. I was surrounded in sorrow. I then escaped from my family, despite their pleas, and isolated myself in the most god-forsaken places on earth, thinking that somewhere, someone could stop my suffering. After weeks of struggling, I had finally given up. I had let the water pull me completely under, and I had met the bottom. The only thing that kept me sane was the thought of my love. The one who I had left for.

Bella.

She was all that mattered in the world to me, and if I had to hurt myself for her, I would gladly do it. All the suffering I had gone through was 100 worth it if wherever she might end up, she was happy. It pained me to know that one day, I would cease to exist in her mind, that I would just become a fragment of a memory, not real enough to be whole. She would not remember me, not even my name, and everything I was to her would just slip away with time.

I would always remember, though. I would remember all of our memories and I would hold them dear to me, more precious than anything else. I would and could never love anyone else besides Bella, and never would for the rest of eternity.

The only thing that kept me from killing myself then and there was the thought that Bella was somewhere out there, happy and carefree as the people I was now watching. But when Rosalie told me Bella was dead, I really did have no wish to live any longer. The one thing that had mattered in this world was gone, so why should I still try to stay? Hopefully, the afterlife would be better, if there even was an afterlife. Maybe there, I would find Bella and we could live again, without worries. We would be equal then, both creatures of the next life-no mortality separating us. Even if I was to go to hell, and she to heaven, it would still be alright. I would be able to look up in the sky and watch her smiling and laughing, the angel she rightfully was and had always been sitting in the clouds. Even if I could not be with her, I would at least witness her happiness.

For that reason, and for the fact that I couldn't stand the fact that Bella no longer walked this world, I wanted to die. I got on the earliest flight to Volterra and set out on my suicide mission.

I had asked the Volturi to end my suffering, but when they heard about my gift, their selfish nature took over. Why waste something so valuable, they had asked. It aggravated me that they could be so heartless (no pun intended), but as my dead heart shattered into pieces, just as my loves had in the forest, I was too numb to be angry with them.

At that one time out of those fateful months I think I actually was thinking clearly. I was so wrapped up with my own thoughts of suicide that I had temporarily forgot my pain. I guess I never really forgot, I just pushed it aside. The numbness had pulled back like the waves, and I had gone into a joyful trance at the thought of my pathetic life ending. I would finally get to be with Bella, once again. I would finally forget this pain. I would finally be nothing, just like I had wished for all those months.

I thought about what I could do, and decided on something simple. Like…standing in the sun. At least, some humans would get a pretty show and I would be dead quick, once the Volturi got a hold of me.

That is why I had picked today. The Festival. It was perfect in the respect that there was people everywhere. I would be seen and…dealt with quickly. It amazed me that I could think of my own death so lightly, but I thought nonetheless.

Standing here, in the dark alleyway, waiting for noon to ring out on the clock, I took in the scenery. I took my last breaths, my last thoughts, my last everything.

I knew the Volturi were watching me and as soon as I made a move I would be killed. I wouldn't have to wait here long. I would be with my Bella soon. I would feel no more pain soon, but as I thought of this, a feeling of pain flashed across my mind.

I had caused my love's death. It was my fault she was dead.

How could I have been so wrong to think that my clumsy, beautiful Bella could live without me? How had I made such a horrible mistake? How had I thought that I could servive without her, or that she would live a long life? Her time was up the minute I met her, so why did I believe those months ago that everything would be better when I left?

My heart shattered again in my chest for the millionth time in the past months and I felt so much sorrow that I would have fallen to the ground if something would not have stopped me-my thoughts of seeing Bella again.

I used that pain and anger at myself to move my body forward. I closed my eyes and took one last breath. With a smile on my face as I thought of my love one last time, I used that heartache to propel my self out of the darkness and into the light.

To death. Towards something better. Towards happiness. Towards Bella.

But as I was to step out into the light, into the crowded festival, I felt something crash into me. Or rather someone. The one person I had been waiting for. Bella.

_My, death was not that bad! _I thought as I looked down.

There holding onto me, looking up at me, was the face of my angel.

I could not help but smile at the thought, my angel had actually turned into angel.

**I hoped you liked it. Look out for my other stories. This is just a oneshot, but if any of you have any ideas for a way to keep this going, please let me know. I wouldn't mind making this into a longer fanfic. Sorry for any typos! Drop a review! Love you guys!**

**-CJ**


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